ARTICLES

A Better Story

By Tim Walker

I’ve been reading a book called A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. It’s by one of my favorite writers, Donald Miller. I like it, but this is not a review or a recommendation. I only mention this to make sure you realize that what I am about to say is not my original idea. It’s from the book. In fact, what I am about to say pretty much sums up the theme of the book. The theme is story.

In the book, Miller talks about this concept of story and how we are all living a story. He talks about how his life had gotten mundane, and how even when opportunities to live a different story and improve his own came up, he would often let them pass by. Then one day, he felt like God was telling him to search for his dad, whom he hadn’t seen in years. And this time, instead of ignoring the prospect, he decided to do something about it. He actually tracked his dad down and had an awkward, but good encounter. Following that, he had the opportunity to go to Peru and hike the mountains. And he did it. Then he took a bike ride across the country. He decided to start eating better and exercising more, not for the sake of vanity, but because those were the things he needed to do in order to accomplish the things he wanted to do. He began to realize if he wanted his story to turn out differently, he would have to make intentional changes.

It may seem that Miller, who is in his mid-thirties, is merely taking care of himself or increasing his self-discipline. It’s the kind of thing you hear from someone who publishes one of those diet books or writes a self-help book or shares their story on Oprah. If Don were a little bit older, say my age at 41, some people might even say he’s simply having a midlife crisis.

But there was something more going on there. And after having read Don’s book, there’s something about this idea of story that I can’t seem to shake. I don’t know about you, but my life is, well, routine. Predictable. Maybe even a little monotonous. There are things that I “do” and “don’t do.” For example, every Thursday night I watch “my shows.” I eat the same cereal every morning. I go to bed at the same time every night and get up at the same time every morning. And there are times when I feel like I’ve created some really deep ruts in my life. You know what ruts are, don’t you? Well-worn paths, almost like ditches that you get stuck in. And occasionally, when I allow myself to really think about it, there are times when I feel like my comfort, my desires and my expectations have motivated me to settle for a lesser, smaller story. And the result or lack of result shows up in my everyday life.

It shows up in the ways I interact with my wife. It shows up in the ways I interact with my kids. I’m willing to just live out a very small, very boring story because it all feels very safe just the way it is. And before I know it, the hours and the days seem to fly by. The time between when I get home from work and when I go to bed always seems like a blur. Today feels like yesterday, which feels like the day before, which feels like the day before that.

But what if you and I could be a part of something bigger? What if, instead of letting our stories solely be about who needs to go where and when, what’s for dinner or is my shirt clean, we lived our lives with the intent of becoming part of God’s story? A story that may involve drama, action, tears, even tension.

What if, when we have a little extra cash—a rare thing these days, I know—we don't try to figure out how to make our lives more comfortable, but instead look for a way to use that money and, as a family, work together to make someone else’s life a little better?

What if we reach out to someone who doesn't have a family of his or her own? What if we have that person over for dinner once or twice a month?

What if I find ways to show my sons that life is less about them and more about being a part of what God is doing in the world? What if I give them experiences to help them live out the truths from the Bible?

If I do those things, I would begin to live out the story I want both for my family and for me. I would be making the story I want my boys to be a part of a reality instead of just hoping they arrive someplace “good” someday—as adult children who love God and love others. My life would have more intent, more purpose.

And working towards participating in this kind of story begins with one thing, one action, one step. I don’t need a life makeover. I just need to make some different choices—some choices that reflect the kind of story I want to be a part of. I need to actually do some things instead of just thinking about them. What is one thing in my life that I can change to make my story more interesting, more significant? It may not be hiking in Peru or biking across the country, it may a lot less complicated and start a lot closer to home. But the improvement to my story does have to start somewhere. And right now, it starts here.

I know this isn’t going to be easy. I also know that I may not do this very well. I may have this on my to-do list for a while before I actually do something. But I also know that time is passing by way too quickly, and as much as I hate to admit it, days go by without any distinction. There’s nothing memorable about a week or a month or even a year. And that isn’t the kind of story I want to stay in.

What about you?

This Christmas, as we remember a story that is so amazing, so wonderful and so mind-blowing, we are going to challenge your child to think of the story not just as a history, or even a great story, but as something that has meaning and significance to us today. It’s a story that is still going on.

And it’s a story that plays out in your life and mine. We are given the choice to join in the story. We are given the chance to be part of what God is doing.

So today, wrestle with this question: What can I do to be a part of a better story, God’s story? And how can I lead my family to be a part of it as well?

© 2010 Orange. All rights reserved.

Get connected to a wider community of parents committed to fighting for relationship with their child at www.orangeparents.org.

Most people think teenagers have technology issues. But if you took away an adult’s cell phone, Facebook or Twitter accounts, texting or computer, many of us would find it hard to function. Technology is a part of all of our lives, not just a student’s. And it’s become such a big part, that many of us aren’t even conscious of how much we check that phone or FB—even in a place you might least expect it.



The happiest place to text

By Brad Griffin

Recently I spent a day at Disneyland with my family, riding rides and battling crowds at the “Happiest place on earth.” Despite my cynicism for over-commercialized places and my frustration about marketing to kids…we had a great day and my kids had a blast.

But there was one thing that distracted me over and over throughout the day. It wasn’t all the teenagers attached to their cell phones — I actually saw most of the teenagers engaged in real-life conversations with the people around them.

It was the parents.

I couldn’t help but notice how many parents of kids of all ages were getting off rides and immediately checking their email and text inbox, ripping back responses as they floated behind their kids to the next attraction. Maybe they were bored out of their minds to be spending the day with their kids, but I doubt it. Maybe they were just distracted at that ONE time at the point I happened to see them (and I happened to catch about a hundred of them at just the right time).

Or maybe they forgot what boundaries are and how to give their kids the gift of presence.

I get a lot of things wrong in parenting. But the more I saw this behavior, the more I was determined to completely ignore my phone (and it was my birthday!) to be present to my kids. I have to wonder, though: if this is what kids see at Disneyland from the adults around them (parents or otherwise), what are we as a culture showing them day after day in our “normal” lives?

I suspect that if we want them to put their phones down every now and then, we have to go first.

Originally published at http://fulleryouthinstitute.org. Reprinted with permission from the Fuller Youth Institute.

Blog Post for parents:

In this series we are talking about rhythm and how every piece of our lives is connected. If you went to a band concert and the flutes were out of tune, the last thing you would want is for the tuba section to just play louder in an attempt to try to drown out the squeaky flute players. The same is true in families.

When something is not right in our lives, it affects how we relate to others. If one of you has a bad day, where is that frustration usually displayed? At home, to other family members, right? For some reason, our families tend to get the worst of us, and we save our “game face” for our friends and co-workers. It’s great to have a place where you can be real and a place that’s safe, but sometimes the ways we vent put us out of rhythm with our families.

As a family, help one another find healthier ways to handle those crazy times in life. Realize that the first reaction isn’t necessarily the truest one—how someone is acting may not be the real issue. Those irritating things at home can be symptomatic of something bigger (at least to that person) going on outside the home. The fight over the remote control can be just another situation where you didn’t get something your way that day and it seemed like you were at everyone else’s mercy. The need for order may be due to something in your life that is out of control, like a sick loved one or a stressful office situation.

Help one another work past the exterior angst to the real problems. Once you’ve identified the issue, encourage and pray for one another. 

The Cross - Article For Parents

Dying to something you want. It’s a concept we are talking to your kids about during The Cross series, but if you are a parent, it’s something you know very well. Parenthood is all about dying to yourself. 

It’s dying to your plans when a child gets sick the day of your dinner plans.

It’s dying to your wants when that son who seems to never stop growing needs yet another new pair of shoes—and you make do with the old pair you’ve had for a few years.

It’s dying to your need for love when you say or do the hard thing for your child, knowing that a valuable lesson will be learned but that he or she will hate you in the process.

Parenthood is a constant process of putting someone’s needs before your own.

And because of that, we just want to say, “Thank you.” Thank you for making the hard decisions. Thank you for sacrificing your time. Thank you for working hard to provide for your family. Thank you for all the things you do, the decisions you make daily to die to your own list of wants and desires in order to help someone else. Thank you for being an example to your child of what it means to die to yourself—even if he or she is clueless about all the ways you do it. 

(Some day, your child will realize it. Trust us.) 

The Thin Green Line - Article For Parents

Math teachers teach math. Science teachers teach science. But who is teaching your child to manage their finances? Whether you realize it or not, your child is affected by the way you treat money. Think back to your own experience. How did your parents handle finances? Did they talk about it openly? Did your parents spend more than what they had? Did they save money? Did they give on a regular basis? How have your parents’ financial habits affected you?

This month, spend some time reflecting on your financial habits. Then spend some time alone answering the following questions about your financial goals for your child. Follow up by finding a time to get alone with your child, listen to their goals and come up with a plan to help them responsibly manage their resources.

Income/Spending:

1. What are your child’s expenses?

2. What do you want your child to pay for on his or her own?

3. How do you expect your child to pay for these things? Will he or she have a job?

4. How much will you allow your child to work while in school? 

Savings/ Debt:

1. What expenses do you see in your child’s future? (car/ college/living, etc.)

2. How much of these expenses will your child be responsible for?

3, How can your child avoid debt?

4. Does your child need a credit card? Will you co-sign for one? What is the credit card for?

5. Will your child take out loans for school? What is the plan for paying those off?

Giving:

1. Do you give on a regular basis? 

2. Why would you or your child want to give? 

3. In what ways can you encourage your child to give?

© 2010 Orange. All rights reserved.  

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org.

THE UNLIKELY LIFE OF A PARENT

By Tim Walker 

The concept of “unlikely” is nothing new to parents, is it? Just think about it. As parents, we are constantly realizing we are unlikely people God uses in unlikely places to respond in unlikely ways. Let’s break that down (insert crazy beat, okay, maybe not):

We are unlikely. No matter how much we thought we knew about being a parent before we actually were one, there is nothing that makes a mom or dad feel more unlikely than coming home with a newborn baby. Being a parent changes everything. We never hear a screaming baby in the store or a restaurant the same way again. We never look at a tired parent chasing a toddler the same way again. We never look at the parent of a teen standing there dazed and confused the same way again. Becoming a parent brings the reality that no matter how much we thought we knew, we realize it’s not as simple as we once thought.

There are times when we feel like the most ineffective parent, and then there are times when we get a sense of hope that maybe the future therapy bill of our children may not be as high as we feared it would be.

As much as parenting may seem like a roller coaster of a ride, God placed us in this role on purpose. He gave us the role to be our child’s mother, or our child’s father. Even though we may have considered ourselves an unlikely person to be a parent, or wondering since becoming one if we are as qualified for the job as we think we should be, God thinks we are. That’s why He entrusted our child to our care. The Bible is filled with examples of God using unlikely people—people who had counted themselves out, and people others counted out as well. But the more these unlikely people leaned into Him and made themselves available, the more God worked through them.

God uses us in unlikely places. It seems like there’s no more unlikely place to find God than cleaning up after a sick child in the middle of the night. Or waiting in a long line at an amusement park. Or driving the kids to practice or class. But God can use even the most mundane, ordinary, unlikely places in our lives to impact others. Sometimes it’s in the places we would least expect to find God that we run straight into Him.

But it isn’t just the physical places that seem unlikely for big things to happen. Sometimes life throws us curve balls and with little to no warning and we find ourselves in the midst of a job loss, an illness, or a divorce. It’s in these places that we wonder, “Can anything good come from here? Can this be used for anything bigger than just hurt and pain?” Fortunately, God has a reputation for showing up in the places we least expect Him to, to do the things we would least anticipate. After all, He chose a stable to make His appearance on Earth and a cross as a way to conquer death. Not exactly what we may have had in mind. But God isn’t limited by an unlikely situation or an unlikely place.

No matter how broken your home, no matter how financially messy your life, no matter how stressful your job, don’t count God out. He just may show up when you least expect Him. Look for Him.

God calls us to respond in unlikely ways. One of the more tricky things about parenting is, just when it seems like we have it figured out, our kids change, grow up and throw a wrench in our whole philosophy. We can never stay comfortable where we are for very long.

There will be times when we will best love our kids by providing boundaries and discipline, and there are times when we will best love our kids by extending grace in the midst of some big mistakes. Unfortunately, there is no formula or equation to figure out when to do what. Parenting keeps us on our toes—requiring us to grow and change in our parenting skills just as our kids grown and mature.

The one constant is our need to remember to love. At all times. At all costs. Sometimes that seems like too big a request. An unlikely response when our teenager has pushed every last button and challenged every last rule. But those are the times we can best demonstrate the heart God has for them—and for us too. Responding in love is a lesson worth learning. It may not feel natural. And it may not come easily. But it can be the beginning of you and your child better understanding the love God has lavished on us.

So just remember, even though you may feel like an unlikely candidate in an unlikely place to be the parent your teenager needs, God can use you just as you are, just where you are, to respond in unlikely ways. 

© 2010 The reThink Group, Inc. Used with permission.

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org. 

FOR PARENTS ONLY:

Post for parents

How did you learn about sex? Was it in a classroom? Was it from a friend? Was it from your mom or dad? A magazine? A movie?

They think they know what sex is, but there’s a lot more to sex than just the fundamental facts. And for many of us, that’s the part of the conversation that we never heard growing up, and we may not think to have with our kids. But we don’t have to look very far in our own lives or in the world around us to know it’s a reality.

The conversations we are having with your child will lay the foundation for discussions you can have with them as well. As uncomfortable as this topic may be, we encourage you to take this opportunity to broach the subject with your child. Use the following questions merely as a starting point. Let the conversation be natural. And most of all, pray before you talk with your kids. Ask God to help give you wisdom to know where to steer the conversation and what to share.

Also, think about the setting for the conversation. Take a walk or go to dinner, but have the conversation in a place that’s outside of your normal routine. Find a place outside the home if possible and see this time as a way of building relationship with your son or daughter.

Sometimes our teens need to hear not only about the choices we made, but why we made those choices. What we thought sex would get us, when all it did was leave us empty. What we wish we would have done instead and why. Because the truth is, as adults, we understand something that we may not have understood as teenagers—sex is serious, sex is powerful, but as great as sex is, it isn’t everything. And even if we have learned it the hard way, we know you can’t have a relationship solely based on sex.

We’re going to focus the conversation on three different areas that correspond with what your teen is hearing during this series. You can choose to have the conversation weekly, or talk through all of these in one setting.

Just as a word of advice—Listen. Listen to what your son or daughter thinks and feels about these issues. Try to help guide them in conversation, and avoid shutting the conversation down. And as scary as the idea of this conversation may be, we encourage you not to approach it as an opportunity to strike fear in your child. See this instead as a dialogue, a chance to be vulnerable and honest, approachable, but still within the boundaries of a healthy parent/child relationship. 

Also, keep in mind that your child may feel awkward having this discussion with you as well. Don’t let the eye rolling or the mumbling throw you off. Use these questions as a guide, but feel free to adapt them to persevere through this potentially embarrassing topic. The chances are that your child will appreciate the fact that you attempted to talk about this—even if they don’t fully acknowledge it until years from now.

Create meaningful conversation. Adjust questions as needed, and don’t feel like you need to answer all of them.

Sex is serious (February 6)

Did you hear anything at church this week that you had never heard before when it comes to the seriousness of sex? What was it?

What do you think sex does in a relationship?

You know about the physical part of sex. (And if your child doesn’t or simply thinks he or she does, this would be a good time to explain it.) But how do you think emotions play into sex?

How does the spiritual part of us play into sex?

How does the “two will become one” show up in the emotional and spiritual side of us? (The physical is obvious.)

When it comes to sex and relationships, how do most people portray what sex does to a relationship?

With sex, does it ever feel like the message culture, friends or media are sending is incomplete? Like you are only hearing part of the story? (probably not) Why or why not?

As the parent, communicate (appropriately) what you think is being left out of the messages about sex your child is hearing.

When someone doesn’t take sex seriously, how have you seen it affect his or her life? (parent: maybe in a marriage of a relative or friend, a co-worker, in the news; student: maybe in the life of a friend or peer from school)

Sex is powerful (February 13)

Did you hear anything at church this week that you had never heard before when it comes to the power of sex? What was it?

How do you think our culture conveys the message that “sex is powerful”? (focusing on the power of a girl’s body and how she dresses, and the power a guy has when he gets with a lot of girls)

Why do you think guys want to have sex? (If you’re a dad, explain why guys want to have sex.) 

Why do you think girls want to have sex? (if you’re a mom, explain why girls want to have sex.)

As a parent, share—either through personal experience or stories of people you’ve known—how powerful the lure of sex is and the way it can change a relationship.

You may want to talk about the power of pornography, and how guys buy into the illusion of sex that requires nothing from them. And increasingly, girls are viewing pornography, buying into the illusion of intimacy that porn portrays of someone desiring them.

Sex isn’t everything (February 20)

Did the message at church surprise you—that sex isn’t everything?

People have sex for many different reasons. Some people are just curious. They want to know what it’s like. Other people are looking for something.

Some people have sex to find security in a relationship, thinking it will make someone stay or the relationship grow stronger.

Some people have sex to get them status. They want to be known as someone who people desire and want to be with.

Some people have sex for companionship. They just want to be close to someone, anyone, and not be alone.

Some people have sex for acceptance. They don’t want to be a 40-year-old virgin.

If you were sexually active before marriage, this might be a good way for you to talk to your child about some of the choices you made, and why you made those choices.

Have you ever known a couple who was sexually active outside of marriage? Does their relationship seem overly physical?

Does it seem like sometimes when people say “sex is for marriage” that it really plays up the concept of getting married so you can have sex? In addition to sex, what do you think it takes to make a marriage work?

Note for parent: Sex defines a relationship in our culture, but it’s only one part of a relationship. Your child doesn’t hear that. Your child doesn’t realize that while it’s a great thing, it’s also not everything. It’s why sex isn’t the end goal for marriage. It’s why if they choose to wait to have sex until marriage, they need to know that sex isn’t the point once they get there. Sex will be a part of married life. It will draw a husband and wife closer together, but it isn’t the only thing that draws them together. Let your child know what you believe it takes to marriage work—even if those are lessons you learned the hard way—and how sex plays a role in that, but that it’s not the only thing.

© 2010 Orange. All rights reserved.  

Get connected to a wider community of parents at www.orangeparents.org. 

PERFECT PARENTS
By Reggie Joiner

There’s something that bothers me. A lot of Christian parenting books I have read start with the premise that there is an ideal mom or dad. These superparents conduct morning devotions, pray together every night, play contemporary Christian music, put framed verses on their walls, stay neatly within their biblical roles as husband and wife, vote conservatively and attend church every week, where they give 10 percent of their income.

The problem is, I don’t find a lot of good parenting examples in the Bible. I am not dismissing “religious” parents. (I am sure the Pharisees would have made great revolutionary parents and could have been extremely focused on their families.) I’ve searched for some examples, but I just can’t find any paragons of parenting in Scripture. The Bible certainly lends advice about parenting, and there are a number of universal principles we should apply as parents, but you would have a hard time convincing me that David, Noah or Eli was an exceptional parent.

Don’t even try to point at the Proverbs 31 mom. What was her name? Oh yeah, she didn’t have one. You say, “What about Joseph and Mary? They raised Jesus and He turned out okay.” This is true, but He had a divine advantage because of His real father. Adam and Eve might have been good examples had they not single-handedly caused the downfall of the human race and subsequently raised one son who killed the other.

My point is this: Parenting is hard. Families are messy. There are no clear biblical examples. Anyone who claims they have discovered the secret to effective parenting is probably covering up something, just had a baby, or recently graduated from Bible College with a degree in youth ministry.

There is a degree of dysfunction in every family. Mine is no exception. When my dad was fifteen, he ran away from home and joined the Air Force to get away from his manipulative stepmom. My mother’s father and mother struggled with alcoholism and both committed suicide one year apart during her elementary years. Neither of my parents had the advantage of reading James Dobson or Gary Smalley books. They never attended a FamilyLife seminar. They simply got married (without any premarital counseling), had kids, and plowed their way through being family. The only thing that kept them going was their faith in God, and their love for my brother and me. As a result, their values of faith and family were effectively passed on to me.

Unfortunately, they passed along a few other things too. Traits like control issues, stubbornness, moodiness, insecurities, tendencies to manipulate, and a few others. Why? Because they had bad parents? No, they are human parents. Human parents tend to have human issues. Human parents struggle with the humanness their own human parents passed down to them.

It all started with the first mom and dad. Talk about a dysfunctional family. Adam was quick to blame Eve for causing him to fall into sin, and Eve passed the buck directly to the serpent. Then one of their sons killed the other one, and it all went downhill from there:
Noah had a drinking problem.
Abraham offered his wife to another man.
Rebekah schemed with her son to deceive her husband, Isaac.
Jacob’s sons sold their brother into slavery.
David had an affair, and his son started a rebellion.
Eli lost total control of how his boys acted in church.

In comparison to the parents described in the Bible, mine were incredible. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe God filled the pages of Scripture with bad parenting examples to encourage us? I know God desires for me to be a responsible parent, but my humanness sometimes gets in the way. When I read the variety of Christian books about parenting, they often make me feel overwhelmed and guilty. If I consider my own inherent faults and personality quirks, I am not sure I have it in me to be an A+ parent. When I read my Bible through, I am actually encouraged, and I am definitely aware that God has a way of doing something incredible in spite of my faults.

What would happen if parents began to see the family in the same way believers should view the church, as a human part of God’s design to demonstrate who He is to the world? Don’t miss the significance of that vantage point. Our humanness actually becomes the platform from which He demonstrates His power, goodness and love to His people. It is an amazing thought when you realize that both the church and the home are comprised of broken, imperfect people through whom God has chosen to tell His story.

What if it’s not God’s plan for parents or leaders to restore the church and the home to be a sublime, utopian state? What if, instead, it’s God plan to do an amazing work with the church and the home in order to put His grace on display? Imagine the Supreme Creator visibly and actively involved in both entities—healing, loving, restoring and re-creating a broken people in order to demonstrate His glory and plan of redemption.

God is at work telling a story of restoration and redemption through family. Never buy into the myth that you need to become the “right” kind of parent before God can use you in your children’s lives. Instead, learn to cooperate with whatever God desires to do in your heart today so your children will have a front-row seat to the grace and goodness of God.

(Excerpted from Think Orange, © 2009 by Reggie Joiner, David C. Cook Publishing)

© 2010 Orange. All rights reserved.